Holy phoonk

The News International, 21 April 2012

Farooq Sulehria

A big majority in Pakistan would not remember Zohra Fona, not even Pir Sipahi [Saint Soldier]. It is because these legends appeared and disappeared without leaving sajjada nashins (guardians of shrines) behind.

Zohra Fona, a blessed Indonesian woman, arrived in Pakistan just ahead its first general elections. She was said to be expecting a child who would be Imam Mehdi. She had visited several Islamic countries where, and it was propagated, that rulers had offered prayers in her imamat. Many ulema began to claim that the time for Imam Mehdi’s coming had arrived.

Zohra Fona claimed that the child recited Azaan. Reputed ulema like Maulana Okarvi and Ehteshamul Haque met Zohra Fona and listened to the Azaan with ears close to the lady’s stomach. She began to draw huge crowds to mosques and parks where she led prayers. Our reputed ulema would join the prayers.

Woe betide this country! Some leftist and agnostics at Karachi’s Jinnah Hospital decided to put the legend to scientific test. It was revealed that the holy woman was not even pregnant with an Azan-reciting messiah but had a recording device tied to her body. She immediately left for Indonesia once the farce was exposed.

The next spiritual legend arrived ten years later, when a puritan general, in the habit of istakhara prayers, was at the helm. When pious generals lead the army, it is hardly a surprise to have saintly men in the ranks. Hence there emerged Pir Sipahi on the scene. He could heal the sick and the ailing. Since Zohra Fona Pakistan had not seen such a crowd-puller. He took Pakistan by the storm.

Though I was very young then, I vividly remember thousands in my hometown of Sargodha converging at the local sports stadium, holding bottles of water when he came. Our holy soldier would say some saintly things before shaping his mouth into an ‘o’ and forcing maximum air out to blow a holy phoonk [breath] through the mike.

His mesmerised audience would hold uncorked bottles high in the air to net the blessings of the holy phoonk in their bottles. The water in the bottles would turn holy assuming miraculous healing qualities. From cancer patients to invalids, all would recover. However, just like his arrival from nowhere, soon the miracle-maker disappeared without a trace. Conspiracy theories were rife at the time about his sudden arrival and departure.

By the time our puritan dictator travelled to the Hereafter onboard a military plane, spirituality in Pakistan had undergone paradigmatic shift. Our new messiahs are half saints, half mujahids. Capable of many miracles, these mujahid-saints have also been busy waging jihad. Most prominent among them is Hafiz Saeed. He has promised us Kashmir. In the line of duty, he has dispatched countless youth to paradise via Kashmir. However, he himself has survived two decades of Jihad. Yes, a miracle. What about his only son and only son-in-law? They never went to Jihad. There must be some saintly wisdom in this

Zaid Hamid is the latest embodiment of saintly wisdom and miracles rolled into one. He spent years in Afghanistan and brought down the Evil Empire as Ahmed Shah Masood’s foot soldier. He has promised us the Red Fort. Meantime, a ‘broadcast jihadi general’ has been promising us Afghanistan and Central Asia.

While these expansionist mujahid-saints keep promising us the world, the writ of our own state has almost disappeared in Fata, Balochistan, and swaths of Khyber Paktunkhwa.

From Zohra to Zaid, no saintly-puritan intervention has halted our slide down the drain. Our godfathers are requested to have pity on us and end the farce

The writer is a freelance contributor. Email: mfsulehria@ hotmail.com